Tuesday, April 03, 2007

My Letter to Salon About Their Crappy Avril Lavigne Interview

Salon posted a front-page interview to, of all things, manufactured pop singer Barbie Doll #3247, otherwise known as Avril Lavigne. I'm in a pretty lousy mood, so I fired off this letter on the site. Enjoy the read, kids!

Oh, and I'm not linking to the article in question. That would engender it with a degree of authenticity that, frankly, it doesn't deserve. We need to resist the corporate plastic zombie assault at all costs. Save your brain cells.


So...Barbie Doll #3247 has been upgraded to perform interviews. Big freakin' deal. What is it with Salon lately? It is not your damn job to promote and sell pre-packaged, manufactured "pop stars." Avril Lavigne is not a musician, and she sure as hell isn't punk. She is a consumer product.

What's next? An interview with a 2-liter bottle of Pepsi? A shiny hubcap? A Subway sandwich?

Salon owes its readers and the general public better than this manufactured corporate drivel. This is nothing more than glorified advertising. Perhaps this is the new phase of the daily site pass - read a commercial before moving on to the real website.

I try not to be so hard, since I've always been a Salon fan. You should not be in the business of hyping consumer goods...er, excuse me, "pop stars."

This is the reason this is the worst decade in the history of popular music. Everything has become a manufactured, fake, plastic product. Everything is exactly the same, every Ken and Barbie doll is exactly the same, and all the, ahem, "songs" sound exactly the same. We're dealing with interchangable parts, folks. You can plug one part out and replace it with another without missing a beat.

Why is Barbie Doll #3247 - otherwise known by the informal title, "Avril Lavigne" - given a credible interview on her latest pre-packaged CD? What's the point? Why don't you interview Pac-Man next? It would be the same thing. She has no influence upon what she does. It's all created and built from the top. We all know this. This little Barbie clone is no more punk rock or riot grrl than a pair of shoes. Let's hope and pray your next interview isn't with the pair of shoes.

You know what would be really great? Interviewing some actual, real-life musicians. You know, the ones who play musicial instruments an' stuff. The ones who actually write their own songs, and create all the melodies and words. You know, words, an' like, uh, stuff.

But, then, you probably won't be hanging out with the Beautiful People. It's much more important to be seen with Ken and Barbie, because, uh, like, being good-looking and popular is, like, the most important thing in the world. An' stuff.

What the heck has Ani Difranco been doing lately? Go send a reporter out to find out. Oh, and while you're at it, ask her if she'll marry me. Make yourselves useful for a change.

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