Pirate Day - Yaargh!

Today was the 7th annual International Talk Like a Pirate Day! Yaargh! Avast! Who buried my treasure? Who took my root beer mug? When does Animal Treasure Island come on?

Needless to say, all my co-workers at the bank offices were too clueless to know anything about it. Sigh. Whatever. I'll just watch my favorite pirate movie to cheer up.

Turbografx CD Games Coming to Virtual Console

Another excellent piece of news for fans of the Virtual Console. According to Joystiq, who cited a Japanese web source, PC Engine CD titles will start appearing on Nintendo's Virtual Console in Japan in October. No doubt this will translate into North American releases from the Turbograxf/TurboDuo library.

The first two releases are Y's I & II, Falcom's legendary Action/RPG series; and Chou Aniki, which can gracefully be called the Gayest Videogame Of All Time. Suffice it to say, I don't think there's much chance of seeing that one here, though it would make for an interesting spectacle. Games will sell for 800 Wii Points, the same as Mega Drive/Genesis titles.

Now, this is where things really start to get interesting. As the Virtual Console comes into its own (and we'll just have to make our peace with not having online multiplayer), more Japanese games that never saw an American release will appear for download. Battle Loadrunner was one example; Treasure's Sin and Punishment will be another.

Those games will be crucial for bringing in the hardcore gamers, many of which still aren't impressed with Wii's emphasis on casual games. This is a skillful method of roping that crowd in. And now that the TurboDuo CD is arriving, that means everyone will be smacking their chops at the prospect of finally, at long last, getting their grubby mitts on That Game....

You know what I'm talking about:

Believe me, there is a significant crowd of hardcore fans who will buy a Nintendo Wii, just to play this game on their television screens. Heck, I would.

Joystiq raises an issue on the feasibility of bringing CD games onto the Wii, which has 512MB of on-board memory. Aren't CD's capable of storing much more memory? Won't they fit onto the console? Would Nintendo eventually have to offer some form of memory upgrade?

Well, folks, issues like this are exactly the reason why every videogame blogger and website writer should have a full collection of emulators and roms. You should be able to pull up your games library at any moment. After reading they Joystiq post, I went to take a look at the memory sizes of my Sega CD games for comparison. Fortunately, I was reminded of a little-known-at-the-time fact about the first generation of CD games - they don't use anywhere near all the memory space of the disc. True, these games offered full-motion video (ugh, still gaming's worst idea ever), recorded voice, redbook audio, and the like. But they are still manage to take up a small space.

Let's take a look. Sonic CD takes up 163MB. Snatcher sits at 173MB. Panic, one of my favorites, is pretty multi-media heavy, but it still only comes to 254MB. Lunar 2: Eternal Blue is the largest in my collection, weighing in at 324MB. The first Lunar is much smaller, 52MB.

So, clearly, there's no worry about fitting onto the Wii's memory. There's plenty of room to spare. Heck, even most Sega Saturn games could fit onto the Wii. And I really don't expect to see any later consoles on Virtual Console, anyway. Saturn would be a tremendous coup, but there's still issues with emulating that console. So, for all practical purposes, the Wii has enough room for everyone.

Circuit City to Sell Vinyl Records

I've just read that Circuit City will begin selling vinyl records in their stores. This is a major move forward for the vinyl revolution. Finally, we have a genuine underground youth movement in this country again. It's been so damned long since anything interesting happened. I'll be looking forward to seeing what my local stores carry in stock.

I've even noticed that turntables are being sold in more retailers, such as Best Buy and Target. Target is carrying a whole line of retro record players. Unfortunately, none of the current models include a headphone jack or line out cables, something that is pretty essential in this day and age. Still, good g-news is good g-news.

I'm still amazed that vinyl is making its comeback. It really is going to bury the compact disc. Well, the CD is pretty much dead, anyway. But, still.

Neo-Geo Coming to Virtual Console

One of the clear markers for the success of Nintendo's Wii Virtual Console has always been if and when more consoles would appear. There have been rumors floating about, possibly even the Commodore 64, but so far, just that, only rumors. Well, today, that marker has been passed. SNK announced that its Neo-Geo library will appear on the VC, starting with three titles, more to follow.

The announced games are Fatal Fury, World Heroes, and Art of Fighting. Each title will sell for 900 points. It appears SNK will follow the chronology of the Neo-Geo's lifespan, beginning with the early titles, and working steadily forward.

For fans, of course, the two big names to watch for - and we know they're coming - are The King of Fighters and Metal Slug. I wonder if Metal Slug will even appear on VC at all, since their series compilation is already available for Wii proper. But, hey, if this business teaches you anything, it's that publishers will never pass up a chance to make another quick buck. How many times have you paid for Super Mario Brothers or Legend of Zelda, anyway?

As for me, I'll be crossing my fingers and hope SNK follows the lead of Hudson, who have been masterful with the Turbografx releases. Show me some of the lesser-known games, apart from all the brawlers. There's Neo Turf Masters, one of the finest arcade golf games since, like ever; Neo Drift Out, the rally racer; Twinkle Star Sprites, the shooter-puzzle multiplayer hybrid; and on and on. This is gonna be a future post, isn't it? Great.

Where Would We Be Without You, Clara Peller?

You really can't bring up 1980's pop culture without mentioning everybody's favorite comic grandma, Clara Peller. She appeared in a Wendy's commercial in 1984 and became an instant celebrity. The fiesty little old lady with the signature catch phrase that you couldn't get out of your head...all together now, folks....

WHERE'S THE BEEF?

Yeah, the early '80s were full of this stuff. Rubik's Cube, Pac-Man, Devo, Michael Jackson's Thriller, MTV, Atari, Cabbage Patch Kids, and "Where's the beef?" Eh, it was probably better if you were a kid at the time.

Clara Peller was huge. Freakin' huge. You really have no idea; she was literally everywhere. Wendy's continued a number of comedy commercials, and even commissioned a 45 record. I still remember a puzzle with her likeness that Wendy's sold with their Happy Meals, or whatever they were called. Like you would know that. They're Happy Meals. Get over it.

The story of St. Clara had a tragic ending. In 1985, she appeared in a commercial for Prego Sauce, sitting in a rocking chair, gleefully boasting, "I finally found it! After all these years, I finally found it!" Wendy's reacted in the calm, compassionate way that so perfectly captured the spirit of the Reagan Era - they fired her.

On August 11, 1987, St. Clara died. That's right. Wendy's killed off Clara Peller. Sick evil bastards. It's enough to make you wanna walk into the nearest store and shout at the employees, "You bastards killed Clara Peller!"

But let's remember the good times. What amazes me is that this whole pop phenom ever happened. Can you imagine any tv ad creating that kind of national craze? There have been fads here and there - "Can you hear me now?" and "Whazzup!!" come to mind - but those are all minor blips compared to the pure comic genius that was St. Clara. I'm serious. Watch the commercial for yourself. This woman, a hairdresser by trade, possessed impeccable comic timing. Three words. That's all. And you're instantly hooked. Admit it.

Okay, the '80s became a mess somewhere between Hair Metal, Rambo and Iran Contra, but this was from the good part of the decade. Don't even try to pretend you don't like this.

Okay, Here's a Photo of Frog Master

You've got to be freakin' kidding me. What a total rip. See, this is the thing I always hated about the box art to video and computer games back in the day. The actual games were never even close to what some artist drew for the cover. Here I was thinking frog football, with frogs in football helmets, croaking out signals, using their tongues to intercept the football, stadiums set in the swamp....what the hell is this?!

The Yak is right. Once you wash away the nostalgia, most old games from the '80s sucked ass. Now I'm just miffed. Where the hell is my frog football?! I want my frog football!

I'm going back to my records.

Classic Videogame Illustrations #6

Courtesy of Vintage Computing and Gaming, comes this box art for a Commodore 64 game. Good lord, this one's weird. Really weird. I've never heard of frog master before; I wonder if it's really a football game. And if so, why is it called "Frog Master," anyway? Although, now that I think of it, frog football could be pretty good. Yeah, right. This is just too freakin' weird.

See, parents of America? Videogames aren't harmful at all. Because of this, little Timmy and Suzy didn't have to drop acid. The football frogs came to them.

You Know What Makes a Great Videogame?

Projectile vomiting. Just sayin'.

Virtual Console Releases - August 27

Moving back, I'm trying to honestly get caught up with the Virtual Console reviews. Heaven knows there's a lot of 'em. I don't think any new Wii owners will be able to get away with the excuse that there aren't enough games to play on. The Virtual Console is pretty fairly packed. And I should know, because I'm actually sitting down and wasting time on all of these damn games. Yuck. I should have done all this earlier. Whatever.

There's not a lot to say with this bunch, so we'll dive right in and see what all the hype was about. Start cracking open those wallets, kids...


Super C - Konami for NES - 6/10

For the NES faithful, and for action game fans in general, Contra is the greatest thing ever. It's probably still the champion of run-and-gun games. More specifically, it was the NES version of Contra that was the true masterpiece. For some reason, everything came together in the home version.

So Konami pulled out a sequel a couple years later, and, as often happens when following up the monster hit, it doesn't meet the original expectations. The typical sophomore slump. And that's basically what Super C is. At least that's the way it was for me.

Now, for most of you, you'll have a fine time. What more are you expecting, beyond the ability to shoot and blast everything in sight, from bad guys to aliens and such? But, then again, I really don't know how a 21st Century crowd reacts to 8-bit games from 15 or 20 years ago. Either you'll be far more forgiving, or far more impatient. Which means that either you'll play along with Super C and have a good time, or you'll just start fuming within five minutes, muttering, "hey, what about the first one?"

Hmm. So I don't think I'm really a fan of this game, although it is solid and well built. I can't really explain it too much, which really won't help matters for you. Some critic I am. This is what happens when you don't write videogame reviews in the standard Mad Libs format. Let's see about this.

Alright, here's what I don't like about Super C. I don't like the level design. The levels are more straightforward, more running along a single platform. I prefered the tiered designs from the original Contra. The first level, that snow level, that seventh level with the mine carts and metal spiked doors that only sat there so you could blast them.

Oh, and don't forget that giant robot guy who throws discs at you and hops all around. And those tanks with the battering rams that you finally destroy at the last possible second. And that giant beating heart you have to shoot at while avoiding the giant spiders...

Do you see where this is going? All the cool, memorable, exciting moments happened in the first Contra. Now what do I remember from Super C? Not much. Dropping from a copter. And a bunch of overhead levels that I just hated. I always admired Contra for its changing viewpoints on every other level, but those overhead levels in the sequel? Forget it.

But I don't want to pile on too deeply. It's really not fair. Super C is a good game, by any standards, and probably more so if you missed the NES days altogether. The only other alternative on VC right now is Gunstar Heroes and Contra 3 - both of which were created by the same people. Hmmm. Throw in the original Contra, which will arrive sooner or later, and I'd put Super C dead last on that list.


Breath of Fire 2 - Capcom for Super NES - 7/10

I had to check the VC releases in North America to see if the original Breath of Fire was released, and oddly enough, it wasn't. Normally, this sort of oversight isn't done, but I've seen Capcom do this before, when they reissued this sequel for the Gameboy Advance. They really only dabbled their toes into the PRG scene, and I think they recognized their limits and stuck with their best game in the field.

Breath of Fire came out when the Super Nintendo was awash in RPG's, which proved the console's best strength. Everyone jumped on it at some point, the way that mascot games flooded the shelves. Capcom did a pretty decent job with their first title, but it was widely accepted to be a practice run for the sequel, which it was.

Breath of Fire 2 was considered a success by fans, and it does a good job for the genre. Fortunately, it wasn't totally overshadowed by the Final Fantasy games, and there was enough room for everyone to get along. Is there anything really distinctive, really, that sets it apart from the rest of the genre? Not much, but that's not a bad thing. I seem to remember that the story dealt with themes of religion, but don't quote me on that. I also think Chun-Li makes a cameo somewhere.

Strangely, there haven't been any Role-Playing Games to appear on the VC as of yet. Perhaps this will be the start of something more to come. Let's cross out fingers. This is a good title that should find a new audience.





Ghouls 'N Ghosts - Sega for Genesis - 9/10


The winner and champine...Ghouls 'N Ghosts on the humble Genesis. I remember when the young EGM heavily promoted this game with its fourth issue. Steve Harris, the founder, boasted in no small way that this was the greatest home videogame, like, ever. Ever! Okay, he was prone to the hyperbole in those days. But he and his writers had their fingers on the pulse of gaming. They knew their stuff.

If I remember correctly, this was the game I bought a Genesis for. Or, more precisely, this was the first genuinely great game I played on it. Does Altered Beast really have to count? Ugh. It shouldn't. Start with this one instead.

Sega had established a unique partnership with Capcom early on, and it resulted in some of the best of the early Genesis games. Capcom would license their arcade hits, the ones that were not available on the NES, and Sega would develop and produce. From this partnership, we got Forgotton Worlds, Strider, Mercs, and Ghouls 'N Ghosts.

Younger gamers need to understand something very important. When Nintendo ruled the roost, they ran the place like tyrants. They called all the shots, bullied everyone into submission. Basically acted like jerks. For third-party developers, their demands were simple: no games on the NES could appear on any rival console, and companies could only release so many titles per year.

Sega learned from the Master System era, and entered the 16-bit age more aggressively. And Capcom was no doubt looking to expand their horizons. Perhaps they even knew that Nintendo's reign was bound to end, that the videogame market was expanding too rapidly to be contained by one player. Whatever the reason, Capcom's arcade titles started to appear on the Sega Genesis in 1989.

When Ghoulss 'N Ghosts appeared, it gave Sega a crucial advantage in the console race, as well as one hell of a game. Poor Turbografx was crippled by Nintendo's policies, and its chief patron was Hudson; they were a quality player, but they were not on gaming's A-list, and they had little to no presence at the arcades. The Genesis quickly became the place to turn for your arcade thrills.

Good lord, how I miss the arcades. This business is so much poorer without them, it's uncanny.

Anyway, that's the history lesson. What does this mean for you in the new century? It means you get a classic home version of a classic video arcade game. You get one hell of a challenging platformer, one that will shake your confidence and test your reflexes like nothing you've seen before. This game will knock your teeth out; and when you've thought you had reached the end, you'll be asked to complete the whole thing all over again, a second time. Those brave souls able to carry the distance will be rewarded with one of the greatest final boss fights of all time.

This remains my favorite entry in Capcom's Ghosts 'N Goblins series, mainly because it's the only time you can throw your weapons up and down, but also because of its brilliant level design that remains varied and challenging without ever becoming kitschy or dull. That's a tough needle to thread. But this was Capcom at the peak of their arcade skills, and the days when they had the entire platform genre mastered. Good heavens, they were only at Mega Man 2. The horrible sequel curse hadn't struck them yet.

Pretty much a no-brainer for an addition to your VC library. Good luck nursing those blisters.

World of Stewart Reviews Space Giraffe

Stewart Campbell is one of my favorite videogame writers, full of wit and venom and never short for a sharp-tongued opinion. His writings have always kept me thinking just a little. Well, his latest essay from World of Stewart tackles The Yak's latest work of trippy old-school gaming, Space Giraffe.

Space Giraffe has just been released on XBox Live Arcade, and is heavily anticipated by classic gamers and fans of games like Llamatron, Gridrunner, and, of course, Tempest 2000. This should prove to be another in Yak's endless string of classics.

Check out what Stewie has to say.

Virtual Console Releases - September 3

Hey, look at that! I finally bothered to do another stupid Virtual Console review! Wow. Golly gee. Whatever.

So Nintendo has finally managed to reclaim the top spot in the videogame console wars for the first time since the 16-bit days. Perhaps, more fairly, we should point back to their glorious NES era, which was really the last time they were on top. Sega knocked them off their pedestal in the early '90s, and it was all downhill ever since. It's a comeback story that truly is unprecedented in this hobby's short history. Nintendo became the first to actually claw their way back, instead of withering away into obscurity, following on the heels of Atari and Sega.

Sony? They're definitely on the way down, but don't count them out yet. They're too big to finish out like that. Of course, this all depends on how much more money their stockholders are willing to sacrifice at the alter of Playstation 3, in hopes of capturing the high-definition DVD market. Personally, I'd say they missed the mark by two or three years. The public just isn't ready to be suckered into repurchasing their movie libraries yet again. Wait until more folks have the complete home theatre setup. That is, if the Republic and the world hasn't been completely destroyed by then. Everything's up in the air these days. The best of times, the blurst of times.

Anyway, let's get going with this week's VC titles, a solid mix of everything, good and bad.


Adventure Island - Hudson Soft for NES - 7/10

Hudson's Adventure Island was a hallmark series on the NES, albeit a minor one when compared to the big players like Mega Man, Contra, Castlevania, Ninja Gaiden, and of course Mario and Zelda. Still, it was always a steady and dependable series of games that was always there for you.

Classic gamers will instantly recognize this game as a cheap ripoff of Wonder Boy, and there's really no getting around that. It was probably something that hurt Adventure Island back in its day, but since the subsequent sequels for both games moved in entirely different directions, this became an overlooked offense. Still, I can't think of any other major franchises that were such shameless knockoffs. Does anyone really care in 2007? I can't imagine it.

Adventure Island, for those who don't know, is a side-scrolling platformer from the middle '80s, and it incorporates all the standard elements of the genre at the time. This style of videogame was still somewhat new, so designers were steadily spreading their wings and expanding the limits of what was possible. So I'd say this is the simplest game in the series, the most straightforward, the most to the point. Again, taking a pre-existing arcade game and changing the characters does explain a lot of that. The NES was starting to stretch into more expansive, adventure games, beyond the simple Point-A-to-Point-B arcade approach, so this actually gives the first Adventure Island some leeway.

All in all, a fun game, if unremarkable. It's a good reflex test, and a good showoff for your arcade skills. Fortunately, the series steadily improves as time goes on, and Adventure Island 2 is especially a favorite. No doubt the three sequels will make future appearances on the Virtual Console.

Oh, and that's right! New Adventure Island arrived for the PC Engine/Turbografx on VC some time ago. Concerned gamers worried that Hudson pulled a fast one needn't be worried; the two games are almost entirely different. I'm feeling generous this week, so I'll give this game my approval. Like you care.


Donkey Kong Jr. Math - Nintendo for NES - 1/10

Are you seriously kidding me? You're kidding me, right? Does Nintendo have to dump every early Famicom/NES title onto our laps?

There was always that one kid in class who you'd feel sorry for, because his parents were completely clueless and bought him an Odyssey 2 or one of those lame-ass "educational" games. Yuck. What sick, twisted, demented mind ever thought "educational" videogames were worth anything? Please. Spare me. They were nothing more than garnish on your plate, a cheap way of justifying to parents in the '80s that these games weren't a complete waste of time. Whatever. Of course videogames were a complete waste of time. That's why they were so much fun.

Do you really think playing Space Invaders ever did me any good in the real world? Did it make me popular as a kid, or score me dates as a teenager and adult. Hell, no. Any chump stupid enough to pretend otherwise got everything he deserved.

Perhaps Nintendo thought they could cash in on the popularity of the Brain Age games with this cheap excuse of plastic. I'll save you the trouble. You run Donkey Kong, Jr. up and down the vines...get this...doing basic arithmetic. And you compete against a friend, best of five. Wow. See who can add up to 74 the fastest. Well, golly gee whiz. That sure sounds like fun. Like a kick in the head, it is.

Isn't this really just the videogame equivalent of Stryper? If there's a worse insult, I can't think of it. I think we have a new crown for Worst VC Game Ever! Why is Pink Floyd's "Pigs" song from Animals playing in my head just now? Must be a coincidence.

Suddenly, I don't really care if the Wii is still sold out in stores. Nintendo can play hard-to-get all it wants. Jerks.


Landstalker - Climax for Genesis - 6/10

For many gamers, this is the clear winner for the week. Landstalker was a real standout on the Genesis fifteen-plus years ago. It gave the console a much-needed adventure title similar to The Legend of Zelda, and it was different and irreverent enough to really fit in with Genesis' cool image. It was a win-win for everyone.

Climax has continued to milk the original game a couple times, first on the Super Nintendo, then later on Saturn. Neither sequel was really as interesting as the original for some reason. I don't know why. Perhaps this was just one of those once-in-a-lifetime sort of things. No faults. Toejam and Earl was such a game, and that's one of my Genesis faves.

The hook to Landstalker is not only its isometric view, which requires you to hold your controller at an angle - just like you had to do with every home version of Q-Bert - but the game's extensive supply of puzzle-fueled dungeons. The adventure trappings are really just a ruse for what is, really, a puzzle game. There was a computer game on the Atari computers called Spindizzy. It featured similar dungeons in a similar isometric view, albeit with a triangle top for a character. It's very similar to Landstalker when you get down to it.

Now here's where the game sort of loses me. I know I'm supposed to love this game. I'm supposed to revere it, or something. But all those damned dungeons, and trying to figure out where to move, and how to move....well, it finally got to me. It ground me down in the end, wore me out. I got tired of trying to hit that perfect jump, only to hit another one five seconds later. Sigh. Maybe my reflexes were never that good, despite all my pride when I was 20. Seriously. That was about the only thing I could have confidence in at that age. Isn't that sad? Yeah.

Whatever. You might love it, you might not. Who's to say? Why are you reading this, anyway? Why do you need me to tell you what to do? Look, I'll do it for you, but just this once, and I expect to get to first base with you. And only if you're a girl. Sorry, nothing personal, I'm just picky. I like girls. A lot more than Landstalker. But look on the bright side. This game has large characters, colorful, if muddy graphics, and lots of warm fuzziness from here to there. Maybe you and your sweetheart can bond over this game. It's better than that crappy Donkey Kong math game - yuck. Now there's an instant deal-breaker.

Again, whatever. Just buy the game if you want, and if you've burned yourself out on the other fifteen or twenty Legend of Zelda games already available.






Bonk 3: Bonk's Big Adventure - Hudson Soft for Turbografx - 8/10

I've thought about it long and hard, and, well, since I need a winner for the week, dammit, it's going to be Bonk. Wow, another quality Hudson platformer. Ever notice how many of these sort of games they churned out in the '80s and early '90s? Kind of makes you wonder what really happened to them. They could have made another 10,000 or so if the games business didn't dive head-first into the polygon realm.

Fortunately, that means that Bonk didn't have to turn into a pathetic burnout loser like Sonic did. Man, I feel sorry for that guy. He really used to be something. Then he disappeared after being whored out by Sega for too long. Then made that big Sonic Adventure comeback on our beloved Dreamcast, only to crash and burn since and remain a hollow shell of a smart-ass mascot. Is there a point to all this? No. Other than that Hudson didn't pimp Bonk out like that. Thank goodness.

This is now the fourth and final Bonk game for the Turbografx to appear on Virtual Console. By now, you've pretty much made your mind about him. You'll either be a dedicated fan, or you'll wonder just why you need to shell out another six bucks for another round of caveman head-banging. As if that wasn't enough for you.

Well, you're in luck, pal. I think this is another one of those series that got better with each installment. Take that, Megaman - your buzzsaw became your albatross, and everybody knows it. But Bonk, heck, he just kept coming up with new tricks every time. Here, in the third game, he has the ability to grow to super size, enough to smack down everything in sight, as well as shrink down to a tiny spud who can worm his way through cracks and narrow pipes.

Hey, wait a minute! Nintendo totally ripped this game off! I can't believe they completely stole from Bonk 3 when they made New Super Mario Bros! What a bunch of jerks. Now I find myself liking that game even less. It was bad enough waiting a lifetime for another 2D Mario game, only to be served with a cakewalk nostalgia trip. Did you have to steal from your rivals, too?

I can't wait to see Mario's new spin dash in the next game. Jerks. Man, Nintendo's really acting up this week...what's the deal with that?

Whatever. Times three. Or how many time's I've used that phrase. Not that it's becoming my personal catch-phrase, because I don' t freakin' have one. Tough. Deal with it.

Anyway, back to Bonk. I really do think Bonk 3 is the best of the lot. The level design is the most dedicated and intricate, the amount of surprises and extra abilities is at a peak, and everything just looks terrific. Terrific by Turbo standards, of course. By the time this game appeared, the poor NEC console was already finished. So perhaps there wasn't any real pressure to deliver the goods, to really try and beat Mario and Sonic. That was never gonna happen, anyway. We all knew that. All Hudson had to do was refine and churn out one of its better platformers, and go out on a high note.

Oh, I should probably mention that Bonk appears as a character in the Saturn Bomberman battle mode, which also happens to be the greatest bomberman ever. Is that just a coincidence, or not? You be the judge. At least Bonk won't try to work you with numbers. Hey, what's two plus two? How the heck should I know? Head-butt!!

Pentagon 'Three Day Blitz' Plan For Iran

Your children are going to die.

Just repeat that little mantra, over and over again, until the reality of that fact sinks into your little brains. We don't have the military to fight another war. We're out of soldiers. That means Bush and Cheney will be taking your child away from you, throw a rifle in their hands, hand them a poorly-equipped armored vest, then blow them to pieces.

Your children are going to die.

Your children are going to die. Unless you stop this madness. Now.

Sen. Reid Backs Off Troop Withdrawals

"Smithers, there's a rocket in my pocket."

"Mmm....You don't have to tell me, sir."

I believe "willing to compromise" are the key words here. The Democratic leadership is poised to sell us out yet again, folks. Any surprises? And we voted these cowards into power for what reason, again? I forget. I've never seen so many instances of a political party deliberately refusing the will of its voters. This is a party governed by fear and cowardice the likes I haven't seen since, well, Junior High School.

So which college are you planning to send your son or daughter to? Any prestigious universities? Any smaller, private schools? I remember my first year at The College of St. Scholastica in Duluth, MN. It was a wonderful place and time, and I owe much of what I am today to those days. I would wish the same for your own children.

Forget it. Your child is going to Baghdad and/or Tehran. Your government is going to take them away from you, hurl them into the seventh circle of hell, then grind them into dust.

But don't worry. I'm sure your government will do the honorable thing for your child:

Dead heroes are supposed to come home with their coffins draped with the American flag -- greeted by a color guard.

But in reality, many are arriving as freight on commercial airliners -- stuffed in the belly of a plane with suitcases and other cargo.

John Holley and his wife, Stacey, were stunned when they found out the body of their only child, Matthew John Holley, who died in Iraq last month, would be arriving at Lindbergh Field as freight.

Welcome, My Son. Welcome to the Machine

Lawyers, Guns and Money offers this post on a panel discussion on the future of the Iraq War. Its panelists, including Juan Cole, Steven Biddle, John Meirsheimer, and James Wirtz of the Naval War College, offered the most grim of assessments for the future of Iraq. Civil war. Ethnic cleansing. Partial withdraws.

When the photos of that American, ahem, "embassy" in Baghdad appeared online for a day - which I assume was the work of a concerned employee of the design firm, and I wonder why nobody's tried to ferret that person out - the total reality of this permanent war hit me. We are never leaving.

We. Are. Never. Leaving.

It's that clear. This is meant to be forever. What else can a behemoth like that complex - the size of Vatican City - deliver to Iraqis who have no running water, only one hour of electricity, no infrastructure. A pleasure palace? This disastrous war will haunt the United States for the entirety of this century. It may even be the thing that destroys it, the way that Afghanistan destroyed the Soviet Union. More pessimism, I'm afraid.

Here's the problem. We have no political opposition. The Democrats are the Waylon Smithers Party, beholden to the whims and moods of one C. Montgomery Burns. We want Smithers to turn on Mr. Burns? Fat chance.

We can tell ourselves that the Dems would start to show some courage once they hold all three branches of government, and 60 seats in the Senate. But what are we basing that on? They will still be fearful of the GOP establishment, the punditry, the mass media echo chamber - all of which are one and the same. They won't end this war in 2009 for the same reason they won't end this war today. Fear and cowardice. The big bullies will pick on me after school! Waaah!!

And has anyone noticed that the army is at the breaking point? By this time next year, it won't be able to sustain the conflict without a military draft. And Cheney is going to start another war with Iran?

Who do you think will be the one to sign the papers reinstating the draft?

Come on. You know who it will be. You know that person will be swayed by weeks and months of hype and bullying, that conscription would "show leadership" and "strength" and that if said President doesn't back down, "victory" and "respect" are soon to follow. We'll only be there for a little while longer. Just a little longer. Just a little longer.

Finally, a little leeway towards the Dems. They read the papers and polls, and hear that Americans are staunchly opposed to this war. But when they look out the windows and gaze upon the streets, what do they see? Nothing. No one.

What was the key difference between Iraq and Vietnam? Millions of Americans, in the streets, shouting until their lungs gave out. Where are they? Where are the college kids? Surely they know they'll be the ones to die...die for oil, profit, and cowardice. Where is everyone?

This is what happens when you no longer participate in your democracy, kids. You can't just check out and assume the machine will fix itself. Because if you do, you'll discover one day that the fix is on you. And you won't be able to escape the way your parents did a generation ago. You can't flee to Canada. Your daddy isn't rich. There are no Champagne Units in the Guard for you. The Guard is in Iraq, getting blown to bits. As long as you don't work and struggle and fight to end this mass slaughter, you too will become one of its victims.

Welcome, my son. Welcome to the machine.

Metroid Prime 3 Video Review

Metroid Prime 3 Video Review

Courtesy of Gametrailers. The scores and praise are predictably high, which is always something you expect from most big-time game sites and prozines. Still, this should be a good viewing, and the Wii finally gets a big-name title for the serious gamers. Hopefully, more first-person shooters will follow suit (am I wrong to ask for Doom or Quake 3?). I still don't have a system, so you'll have to tell me how the game finally plays.

Oh, and did I mention that the downtown Minneapolis Target received a number of Wii consoles on Monday? Strangely, it's remained a secret - they didn't immediately fly off the shelf as lore would have it. Still, the stock of nine should be gone by Wednesday. Again, I'm really impressed with Nintendo's new mastery of consumer seduction. They just know how much to tease, and how much to hold back. I'm curious to know how long they intend to keep this little game going. Certainly through the Christmas season - that's a given for anyone who remembers the Cabbage Patch Doll scam back in the early '80s.